My prediction for my review of Pain & Gain was that it would be one sentence long, and that sentence would be: “This movie is perfect.” At dinner with a friend before the movie, he said that he was going in with very low expectations. I said that I was going in with very high expectations, and that I was pretty sure they were going to be met. From the trailers and the promotional materials and the occasional interview, it seemed like Pain & Gain was going to be to Michael Bay as a filmmaker what The Wrestler was to Mickey Rourke as an actor. Like Amistad standing on the shoulders of his ancestors to win a court case, everything in his life had led up to this one, perfect moment. Had I done even the most cursory of research about the movie ahead of time, I might have had some inkling of the problems to come. For example, the fact that it was based on a true story about a group of MURDERERS but was now being portrayed as a lightly comedic romp full of hunks. Just as an example. Needless to say, my movie review of Pain & Gain is going to be a little longer than one sentence, and none of them will include the word “perfect,” although they might include the words: “homophobic,” “misogynistic,” “anti-semitic,” “disgusting,” and “nightmare.”

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Superman was my favorite when I was growing up. Also the Hulk. The two of them had to share the crown. In retrospect, they both probably say a lot about where my little head was at. All superheroes have secret identities, but mostly those identities are in service of protecting the heroes’ girlfriends and adoptive families and/or evading detection by the numbskull police forces who don’t approve of vigilante justice. In the cases of Superman and the Hulk, it was literally that people could not know who they truly were or it would destroy them. Admittedly, the weird face blindness that everyone suffered in Metropolis never sat particularly well with me, even as a child. His only disguise is a pair of glasses? And a slightly unruly cowlick? Maybe on the street, but in a room full of NEWSPAPER MEN? Yikes. The other thing I never liked was that Superman never used the bathroom. Whatever, kids get concerned about the darndest things. It wasn’t that he even needed to use the bathroom necessarily, but if he wasn’t going to ever go to the bathroom then I felt they should at least explain it. Does he not need to, because of the sun? Show don’t tell but sometimes tell. For the most part though, Superman was just so great. He is so powerful! And fun! He literally gets his strength from the sun! Or at least, he used to.

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The line between cynicism and art is pretty thin. Ultimately it all comes down to motivation, or the perception of motivation. If Michael Bay made a movie about robots punching Godzillas in the face, it would have been greeted with open hostility (and it would have made way more money than Pacific Rim actually made). But you put a fanboy nerd filmmaker like Guillermo Del Toro in charge, and regardless of the fact that we are still talking about a $190 MILLION Hollywood summer blockbuster, and the critics go quiet. Momentarily. Like, once they see the actual movie they are not as quiet. But the build up to Pacific Rim seemed to float along on an ocean of good will. I’m not complaining. I’m not saying Guillermo Del Toro shouldn’t be given a fair amount of leeway or respect or whatever you want to give him. I’m merely observing that Pacific Rim was always going to be a movie about giant robots punching Godzillas in the face, and no amount of genre-homage or Charlie Day comic relief was ever going to change that. You can’t make fun of Real Steel one year and then two years later pretend that the same movie is suddenly going to be a masterpiece. Not that you would, straw man, because even you know, straw man, that it wasn’t.

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I had almost impossibly low expectations going into The Wolverine this weekend. Between the faint rumblings I had picked up that the movie was “slow” and “too long,” and the fact that I distinctly remembered disliking the last stand-alone Wolverine movie immensely, it just seemed like this one stood a chance. Admittedly, I was charmed by the man outside of my theater dressed in an elaborate Wolverine costume, asking people to “enjoy the movie” in a faint Spanish accent, but could he be trusted? What is his taste in movies like? Besides Wolverine movies, I mean? It also didn’t help that this summer seems to have been particularly disappointing when it comes to fun and exciting escapist fair, although I am starting to get the sense that it feels like that every summer, not just that it has been disappointing but that it has been particularly disappointing. So maybe this is more of a Gabe problem and less of a “The Movies” problem.

All of this is to say that I was delightfully surprised by The Wolverine! Oh, it’s a stupid piece of garbage to be sure, but it’s a FUN ENOUGH stupid piece of garbage, all things considered.

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I had brunch with a friend who hadn’t seen any part of the Cornetto trilogy (that’s something only nerds call it, right?) (I’ve never said it out loud because I am NOT a nerd) before seeing The World’s End this weekend. He asked, “What should I know before going in to see the movie?” I said, “You don’t have to know anything.” Then I went back to shoving food into my face and drinking my mimosa really fast so I could get another one before we had to go. Then he said, “But, what should I expect style-wise? Are there any running themes?” ?! Can you believe the nerve of this person? Trying to get me to have a conversation about the movie we’re going to see while I’m trying to eat my brunch in silence?! So I told him to expect music in scenes, and he said, “Oh, like music that tells you more about what’s going on?” And I said, “No, just music.” Hahah. Then I said, “Also comedic violence and quick cuts.” Then he stopped asking me questions, finally. I wish I could have said something that I could use to enlighten one of the themes of the movie, or at least something I could use to segue into a review, but I AM RUDE AT BRUNCH. C’est la vie. I was right about all of those, though! They were all in there! Let’s talk about what else was!

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It was a warm September afternoon and one young blogger and a few friends headed to the movie theater to see One Direction: This Is Us in 3D. “Hey, I’m going to get some popcorn, you guys go ahead and get seats” said the blogger, waving her friends away. Just an average trip to the movies. As she was paying for the popcorn and wondering why movie theaters don’t serve alcohol, she heard a beautiful voice behind her — “Ello, Kelly!” Whaaat? Who was it? “Ello mate, it’s me, Harry Styles from One Direction.” OMG. It was Harry Styles. Kelly– I mean, the blogger knew it was Harry Styles because he was wearing his signature “suit jacket with a t-shirt underneath” and his hair was perfect. Harry Styles knew it was Kelly, ugh, the blogger, because he was a secret big fan of hers. “I knew you were perfect at blogging,” Harry said, “but I didn’t know you were the most beautiful woman I would ever see in my life.” What?! OMG. “You can blog from anywhere, right?” he asked. “Pretty much yes, as long as there is a steady Internet connection — which rules out my apartment! Hahah. Just kidding, but I have a lot of problems with my Internet at home. Time Warner is the worst, you have no idea I bet” said the blogger. Harry liked how weird and not fun she was to talk to. “Would you like to come on tour with me and the lads?” Uh, YES SHE WOULD! “Yes!! — Wait” The blogger quickly googled “Harry Styles age.” Ugh. 19. “You’re 19,” she said. “So? Aren’t you 19?” he asked. “No, I’m 26.” “Oh…” Dang. Maybe he didn’t think she was so perfect at blogging after all– Wait, what? Ahh-hah! Whooooops! Wrong window! Eeeeek. This is embarrassing. That one should have gone here. This one’s for the review! LOL. Whoops. Anyway, let’s talk about the movie!

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By now, Neil deGrasse Tyson has already tweeted about the many inaccurate elements of Gravity‘s plot, and Alfonso Cuarón has already responded to those who might be critical of those less-than-truthful elements with — to paraphrase — “uh yeah, I know about those things and I don’t care; it’s a movie.” Yet no one has openly criticized the person who loudly complained that the television in the bar area was “so gauche” at the restaurant I went to before seeing the movie! Will no one take this man to task? If not for the television complaints, at least for how he loudly wished that his girlfriend would offer more praise for the elements of his personality he prizes the most, i.e. his insight! And if not for that, he should be taken to task at the VERY least for his loudly talking about the movie Gravity when that movie JUST CAME OUT AND MAYBE SOME PEOPLE SEATED RIGHT NEXT TO YOU HADN’T SEEN IT YET AND WERE GOING TO SEE IT IN ONE HOUR, LOWER YOUR INTENSELY LOUD VOICE! So gauche indeed, sir. Anyway, why didn’t Sandra Bullock barf? Let’s talk about it!

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Well, no one saw The Fifth Estate this weekend. It had the worst debut of 2013, making only $1.7 million from 1,769 theaters. (It cost $26 million to produce.) (Eek!) There was only one other person at my screening, even though my movie theater recently replaced its bed buggy cloth seats with seemingly non-bed buggy plastic seats. You’d think that would really draw in some butts! But not even a combination of Benedict Cumberbatch the idea of a bed bug free environment could bring butts and eyes to The Fifth Estate. And all of this brings me to the fairly large elephant in the room: DOES NO ONE FOLLOW THE RULES OF VIDEOGUM MOVIE CLUB ANYMORE? $1.7 million?! What is that divided by all of you guys? I paid $14 for my screening IN A BED BUG THEATER, (all theaters are bed bug theaters), which is ridiculous, but at least I did my part. Where were you guys? Seeing 12 Years A Slave? Uh, that’s not the movie that I agreed with myself to make you guys see because of how difficult it would be for me to write a joke review of 12 Years A Slave! Ridiculous. Just completely ridiculous. You guys are all a bunch of Daniel Bergs at the end of the movie. (Making me Julian Assange.) (WE’LL LET HISTORY DECIDE WHO WAS CORRECT.) Speaking of the movie, it was bad! Let’s talk about it!

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How do costume designers find clothes that make Natalie Portman seem normal-sized? I know Thor has a boomerang hammer and a solid chest or whatever, but Natalie Portman and I are the same height, according to the Internet, and somehow she comes across as being adult-sized in this and every movie, and for that she is the real superhero. I think it has something to do with making the buttons on her shirts smaller? I don’t know, but it was exciting and fun to watch! Two thumbs up for Natalie Portman’s wardrobe — lighthearted, sexy, and action-packed! I couldn’t look away! But anyway, about Thor: The Dark World: I almost fell asleep while watching Thor: The Dark World. Full disclosure: I did not see the first Thor movie and I don’t particularly enjoy superhero movies, especially boring ones. This was not a movie for me! I am aware that there were probably a lot of things that could have been explained if only I had read some comic books seen the first Thor and understood who his character was or had even a loose grasp on what was going on, but I didn’t. Oh well. SUE ME. I’m not a nerd and I’m not going to devote my time to NERD SHIT. Hahah. Just kidding. Kind of. Do what you love, don’t do what you don’t love. Is anyone still reading this? My apologies if you are! Thor: The Dark World was boring and I pretty much hated it, let’s talk about it!

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Dear Katniss,

First of all, I loved the film. Is that rude to say? I don’t want to trivialize your struggle with the Capitol, and I’d hate it if you thought I was trying to be a jerk, but, like — wow! Sincerely! It was incredibly bleak — I mean, you know that — and I’m still a bit confused about how it came to be such a hit with young adults, but I really enjoyed watching it! The first movie was all right, too (I watched it on Netflix, which was much different than seeing it on The Big Screen, ha-ha), but this one seemed like it took itself much more seriously, and was better for it. What was your favorite part? (Again, not trying to trivialize, I’m sure it was all terrible!!!) Probably the kissing, right? Ha-ha. Or do you not like the kissing? You’re a little bit hard to read sometimes. You seemed to enjoy the kissing in the moment, but also you said the thing about not having any room to feel anything for Gale, but maybe if you guys ran away to the woods you could make some room? So. Speaking of Gale:

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